Your yellow exterior, brighter than the sun,
Your intoxicating beautiful smell,
Give me a million of your kind and I will make love to each and every one.
This infatuation has developed, from a mere crush, to me proclaiming you my paramour,
My roast beef flavoured whore.
I miss you when you’re not around,
My taste buds ache, I shake, I break
Never leave me and I will be eternally grateful.
You are my world, my everything.. You are my roast beef Monster Munch.
Yes this is truly why I love London. I mean, in what other city do the public transport company have to warn people that you’re not supposed to abuse the staff at train stations? Quite excellent. I for one think the staff should be abused. Anger is never a good thing to keep bottled up, so it needs to be released before it builds up even more. So, the next time you’re at a train station shout at the staff, it’s the right thing to do.
Pubate. Pronounced Pube-ate. I’ll give you a moment to chuckle.
Now that you’re done laughing, yes I was talking to someone whose surname is actually Pubate, which I found absolutely hysterical and I quite rightly mocked her as much as I could. I’m not sure how long the Pubate legacy has gone on for but surely one of those silly Pubates should have noticed that their surname is astoundingly stupid and either had it legally changed or not had any children so the Pubate name would have died with them. I’ve checked ancestry websites and there’s no record of the surname Pubate which just adds more mystery to this odd name.
To me, Pubate sounds like a product that’s used to kill pubic lice..
I’ll get straight to the point: Why the fuck don’t they make panda slippers for men-size feet?!
It is absolutely ridiculous that anything panda related is usually for girls, when men like pandas too. This sexist view from panda merchandisers is sickening. I spent hours searching for a pair of panda slippers to fit my size 12 feet, partly because my old slippers are almost completely dead and partly because I am panda crazy. I’ve recently added two webcam links on the right sidebar of my blog for the Smithsonian Institution in Washington DC, so any fellow pandanatics can get their fix of panda watching any time of day.
Back to the matter at hand, there is absolutely no website retailer out there that make panda slippers for my feet. The largest size I could find fit a size 6. A size 6?! I’d need to buy two pairs and sew them together for them to fit my feet, which is something I’m actually contemplating doing. I hope one day panda merchandisers will realise that panda lovers are male too. Pic of the slippers I want below.
I was watching a certain Manchester United related TV channel (MUTV) yesterday and my eyes spotted the most bizarre thing. There on my TV screen was the shiniest thing I ever did see. Her face glistened like a brand new Apple product just after being removed from its box. I scrambled to find my phone so I could snap a picture of this rare creature for she was more a spectacle than the Loch Ness Monster. I managed to compose myself and opened the shutter, hoping the sound wouldn’t scare her away off my TV. I had my phone still, ready to catch this prize-winning photo, but alas she was no longer there, instead replaced by the face of a footballer, who in my wonderment, I can only guess she was interviewing. I would not be deterred, “this mythical shiny beast will be caught in image form” I exclaimed defiantly in my head (and maybe out loud a little). Slowly but surely, after 2 ad breaks, I had a direct look at this thing. I quickly knocked my phone off standby and immediately pressed the button, then waited with bated breath (I have a Nokia so I had 5 seconds to wait before it actually took the picture). I looked down at the small screen whilst praying to whichever God is real that I had managed to acquire the photo I desire most. To my joy, it was there, in all it’s beautiful digital glory. I had won. So my friends, I present to you.. Miss Shiny:
It’s a new year which inevitably means it’s time to create some new year’s resolutions which we may or may not stick to.
Here are mine:
1. Start watching the films in my huge movie archive, as the size of the folder is getting out of control (160GB).
2. Write at least one complete film script.
3. Sex my girlfriend at least 100 times. This might sound like a simple one, but when you take into account that she lives almost 2 hours away and I don’t see her very often it’s quite a challenge.
4. Continue being as awesome as ever. Easy.