Top 10 Ways To Dump Someone
A countdown of the top 10 ways of breaking up with someone.
Have that [not so] special someone in your life but not sure how to get rid of them? Read my 10 best ways of breaking their heart (and maybe some laws).
10. Tell her you love her (aka the Ted Mosby)
In an homage to How I Met Your Mother, I’ll be naming this one the Ted Mosby. Be warned, telling a girl you love her will only work if you’ve been seeing her for a short time, say this too far into the relationship and you’ll be stuck for life.
9. Run away
The simple, easy way out is to just run away. If you do choose to run away, make sure you move abroad. Some clingy women will track you down if you’re still in the country.
8. Get yourself arrested
Getting yourself arrested is a good way of making sure she will never see you again, and dropping soap in the prison shower may be more pleasant than a lifetime with that girl.
7. Get her arrested
Don’t fancy getting yourself arrested? Well why not get HER arrested! Plant some drugs/stolen jewellery on her, call the cops and you’re sorted. However, be aware, when she gets out of prison, covered in tattoos and toned like a boxer, she will hunt you down for revenge.
6. Fart in bed
Now, this will only work on a certain kind of woman, other types (desperate ones) may accept it and still want to be with you.
5. Tell her that her bum really does look big in that dress
Hit her with a shot of honesty. Please note: ghetto girls may think it’s a compliment.
4. Tell her you’re gay
Providing she isn’t one of those women that finds gay men a turn on, this option is sure to work a treat. “ Three simple words: I, Am, Gay.” – Homer Simpson.
3. Have sex with her mother
It may not be pretty or fun. The mere thought alone can turn one’s stomach. But, having sex with her mother is a choice. Just remember to shower afterwards.. Repeatedly.
2. Fake your death
Now, I won’t go into ways of doing this but the end result means everyone’s a winner: You’re free of her and also free of debt, and she’ll never know the truth about you wanting to chew your own arm off instead of being with her.
1. Tell her you’re an alien
You might say this would never work. However, if you’re wanting to ditch this girl she must not be the sharpest tool in the box, so chances are this will work. Some cheap special FX from the local costume store should do the trick.
Hope you picked up some tips from my top 10 that will help you.
As always: Old people fall; you laugh; God’s happy.