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Cougar hunting

Cougar

Kelly Klein - The prime example of a cougar

They prowl at night in search of fresh meat, waiting patiently before pouncing and ripping their young prey to shreds. These cats do come with claws, but unlike our feline friends in the animal kingdom these cougars are [somewhat] human..

Cougars have been popular in the US for some time now, but the trend has only recently filtered over to the UK. Sure, the idea of older women dating younger men has featured many times on the brilliant and educational Jeremy Kyle Show, but cougars are not like other older women.

Firstly, let’s identify what they are:

* Aged anywhere between their early 30s to 50s
* Strong willed and independent
* Witty, with high intellect
* Career-driven
* Potentially narcissistic

Cougars can some times be classified as MILFs, which is a dangerous assumption; MILFs are women who have had time to have children and start a family, to settle down with their lives. In contrast, cougars are business-orientated creatures who have chosen to focus on their careers instead of getting married and having kids. Appearance-wise, MILFs can be more meaty with saggy breasts, whereas cougars have impeccable bodies which have not yet been scarred and stretched from the horrid act of giving birth. One final important difference is this: Cougars hunt younger men for sex, MILFs try their best to be complimented by younger men to make themselves feel attractive.

Now that we’ve identified what a cougar is, the next step is how would one go about approaching a cougar?

Notoriously icy-cold at heart, they will simply humiliate and emotionally crush a man who thinks the clichéd cheesy chat up lines he’s used for years will get him laid. It is because of this that we must approach a cougar in a certain way. The best method of doing this is to open with something witty but not memorable. Why not memorable? Because, it will be likely something stupid that you don’t want to be reminded about later on. An innocent witty remark, based on your surroundings (be it a club, bar) is the perfect way to break the ice. After light conversation, in which you lie and pretend you own a web startup company that’s in the process of a bidding war between Google and Microsoft, subtleness is out the window. Cougars respond well to people who are blunt, as they can relate with them and feel comfortable that you’re honest (which you are not). It’s at this time where it’s best to share some truth about your intentions on why you’re out that night (to get laid, but please do phrase it better). You can proceed to weave the web of lies entwined with small drops of honesty.

Don’t be eager to encourage the cougar to go back to either of your apartments. When she is ready, she will be the one who invites you back to hers. I’ll assume you’ve had sex before so you won’t need me to tell you what to do next. If you haven’t had sex before.. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha………………………… Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

A small tip: When inside the cougar’s lair, the first thing you’ll notice is that it is one hell of a nice place; Spacious, modern, with lots of expensive items.. Some of which she may not notice if taken. Now, Mr KoldFire would never advise stealing, but if some small expensive jewellery happens to fall into your pocket, it’s not your fault.

Cougars only tend to party once a week. Which means, the next day they will be in a drunken coma until the afternoon at the earliest. This is the time to get your things, grab borrow any cash lying around (and borrow some of her panties) and get the fuck out!

Another tip: In their drunken coma, cougars are not easy to wake up. You can use this opportunity to snap a picture of her to show your friends when you get back. Note: Mr KoldFire does not condone teabagging her.. Although it would be pretty funny.

I will be providing more insights into the life of cougars in time, and also updating encounters I have with them.

I leave you one final piece of advice; Laugh at old people falling over, God wills it.

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