Mr KoldFire's Blog

Farewell..

Mr KoldFire — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 00:00:29 +0000

Goodbye blog.

Ode to Roast Beef Monster Munch

Mr KoldFire — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 20:49:03 +0000

Your yellow exterior, brighter than the sun,
Your intoxicating beautiful smell,
Give me a million of your kind and I will make love to each and every one.
This infatuation has developed, from a mere crush, to me proclaiming you my paramour,
My roast beef flavoured whore.
I miss you when you’re not around,
My taste buds ache, I shake, I break
Up inside.
Never leave me and I will be eternally grateful.
You are my world, my everything.. You are my roast beef Monster Munch.

Monster or..

Mr KoldFire — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 17:22:34 +0000

Is the picture below a Monster or Michael Jackson?

Click to find out!

This is why I love London..

Mr KoldFire — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 22:50:16 +0000

Yes this is truly why I love London. I mean, in what other city do the public transport company have to warn people that you’re not supposed to abuse the staff at train stations? Quite excellent. I for one think the staff should be abused. Anger is never a good thing to keep bottled up, so it needs to be released before it builds up even more. So, the next time you’re at a train station shout at the staff, it’s the right thing to do.

Definitions: Manwich

Mr KoldFire — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 16:40:52 +0000

Manwich [man-wich]

–noun
1. A manly sandwich. An example of this is a ploughman’s.

Example: “Honey, you can’t have a bite of this, because it’s a manwich. Why don’t you make yourself a sandwich instead.”

The most ridiculous surname award goes to..

Mr KoldFire — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 16:55:36 +0000

Pubate. Pronounced Pube-ate. I’ll give you a moment to chuckle.

Now that you’re done laughing, yes I was talking to someone whose surname is actually Pubate, which I found absolutely hysterical and I quite rightly mocked her as much as I could. I’m not sure how long the Pubate legacy has gone on for but surely one of those silly Pubates should have noticed that their surname is astoundingly stupid and either had it legally changed or not had any children so the Pubate name would have died with them. I’ve checked ancestry websites and there’s no record of the surname Pubate which just adds more mystery to this odd name.

To me, Pubate sounds like a product that’s used to kill pubic lice..

Panda-monium!

Mr KoldFire — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 22:39:22 +0000

I’ll get straight to the point: Why the fuck don’t they make panda slippers for men-size feet?!

It is absolutely ridiculous that anything panda related is usually for girls, when men like pandas too. This sexist view from panda merchandisers is sickening. I spent hours searching for a pair of panda slippers to fit my size 12 feet, partly because my old slippers are almost completely dead and partly because I am panda crazy. I’ve recently added two webcam links on the right sidebar of my blog for the Smithsonian Institution in Washington DC, so any fellow pandanatics can get their fix of panda watching any time of day.

Back to the matter at hand, there is absolutely no website retailer out there that make panda slippers for my feet. The largest size I could find fit a size 6. A size 6?! I’d need to buy two pairs and sew them together for them to fit my feet, which is something I’m actually contemplating doing. I hope one day panda merchandisers will realise that panda lovers are male too. Pic of the slippers I want below.

Dating Tips #01: Interest & Ditch

Mr KoldFire — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 18:27:09 +0000

#01: Interest & Ditch

The interest & ditch is a simple and effective process that can be used in person or online. The method is easy; Start talking to a girl, being charming and witty for about 10 mins or so, and then simply stop talking to her. You can use an abrupt stop or fade out conversation, either is fine. If in person, pretend you see a friend and leave her to go talk to them, and if using this online just don’t say anything more to her. This will give her time to think and worry and she’ll soon start interacting with you again, which means you now have the upper hand in conversation.

Top 10 Ways to get Yourself Fired

Mr KoldFire — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 23:18:24 +0000

It’s Top 10 time once again, and I’ll be counting down the Top 10 Ways to get Yourself Fired.

10. Don’t actually do any work

It’s the easiest way but it’s also the least creative way which is why this is number 10.

9. Sleep with your boss’ wife

A way to get fired while also getting some sex, all win.

8. Call in sick and tweet

Why not call in sick and then tweet about how much fun you had on your day off on your company’s Twitter account. Sure to piss off the boss.

7. Put your pants in the microwave

A perfect choice for the winter; Pop a pair of your pants (even better if they’re stained) into the microwave, and when someone questions you just claim you were making them nice and toasty.

6. Hitler moustache

A controversial yet effective solution is to come into work with a Hitler moustache and start spouting German words at every opportunity.

5. Spike the water cooler with Jagermeister

An option that can produce some hilarious situations when all your co-workers are absolutely wankered.

4. Sleep with a co-worker and put up naked photos of her

Why not redecorate the workplace with naked photos of a co-worker? It’ll soon gain her slag status within the office and will also ensure that you’re forced to leave.

3. Look at animal porn on your work computer

Convince your co-workers you have zoophilia by browsing some animal porn at work. They’ll soon stop talking to you and you’ll soon be out the door to freedom.

2. Come to work naked

For the brave out there, come into work in the buff. You’ll be carted out of there quicker than you can say “like what you see?”.

1. Poop on your boss’ desk

Inspired by Eric Cartman. Go into your boss’ office, get on his desk, pull down your trousers and lay a huge steaming fudge pie. 100% desperate and 100% effective.

Hope you picked up some tips and have fun at the job centre!

Animals you have to see before you die: The Slightly Curious Zebra-Parrot

Mr KoldFire — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 22:21:45 +0000

One of the rarest and intimidating creatures in the animal kingdom, the Slightly Curious Zebra-Parrot is a thing of sheer beauty. Legend has it that if you rub the red area above it’s beak it grants you two wishes. Many have hunted down this bird to find out if this myth is true. All of those stupid people (mostly Australian backpackers) have returned from their encounter with this animal missing fingers, toes, eyes, and in one incident, a penis. This black and white wonder is not to be underestimated. It’s not called Slightly Curious for nothing and will have no trouble exploring every orifice on your body. This deadly and devious being is without a doubt an animal you have to see before you die.